Tonight, I’m at the top of the proverbial mountain. I’ve arrived at the pinnacle.
This is it. Ta-da.
Tomorrow is my birthday, the one that changes everything. It’s the big four-oh.
No, I’m not Sisyphus. There is no huge boulder to roll back downhill, allowing me to start over. My punishment reward is to keep going.
Here’s what I’m blessed with: I’m comfortable in my own skin; I have a strong sense of self; Being 40 is 10 times easier than being 20.
I’ll get through this, even if it kills me.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don’t have time.
Quotation from Tallulah Bankhead

“I was blackballed by seven Pizza joints.” (Sarah Colonna on Youtube)

A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
Quotation from Maya Angelou

I’m obsessive.
For the past month, I’ve devoted myself to organizing my music collection. It used to be easy– pop a cd in the player and you’re good. But over the years, the music stored on my computer got scattered into different folders and formats- wma, mp3, mp4, Amazon, Apple, “My Music” etc. Some of my music wouldn’t play on my iPod, other songs wouldn’t play in Media Player, and sometimes I couldn’t even find the song that I wanted. I hate that the music industry still hasn’t adopted universal standards that everyone can live with.
Whatever people think about the mp3 format, it’s the only convenient format that works for everything. So I spent weeks ripping my cd’s onto my hard drive while recording, copying and/or converting all the differing song formats I own into mp3s. I added tags (album, track number, date etc.) where it was missing. I learned to join clips together, remove noise and how to use an equalizer. I organized my mp3 collection alphabetically by artist and genre.
Like I said, obsessive.
And because of that, I neglected updating Encore Seraphine. I stopped visiting people. I locked myself in my room and I listened to music.
I needed the break.
My cousin lost her husband on Christmas, 44 days after he was diagnosed with cancer.

School started last week. This semester, I’m learning advanced CSS (Cascading Style Sheets– the stuff that tells a web page what to look like). This is good, because I have external structure in my life again. I know where my music is. I won’t have to hide in my room and feel guilty for it.

“So, Sera, what songs are you currently listening to?” you might ask.
Answer: Emily Wells. Take it Easy, San Francisco and Symphony 10 – Could This Really Be the End? (YouTube)

And if it really is the end,
I guess I’ll throw a big party,
and all the boys and all the girls can come out
and play with me.
A friendly game of hide-and-seek
that could, easily last for weeks, and just,
when you think its peaked, you’ll forget to pour yourself
another drink.
Youll be happy. You’ll be happy.
Youll be happy, at my party.
Lyric from Emily Wells, Symphony 10 – Could This Really Be the End?

Happy Samhain, everyone. Don’t forget to carve your turnips, to guide the dead on their journey.

As soon as I could collect my scattered senses, I found myself nearly suffocated, and groveling in utter darkness among a quantity of loose earth, which was also falling upon me heavily in every direction, threatening to bury me entirely.
Quotation from Edgar Allan Poe, The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Those are the five stages of, well, everything seriously bad that happens to us– grief, lost relationships, addiction, job dislocation and death– to name a few (as if one can bargain with grief and death).
Nothing in life seems quite so orderly, however. Some people never get past their own feelings of anger and bitterness. Others seem to live in a perpetual state of grace and total acceptance (though in the interest of disclosure, I haven’t yet met anyone that fits that description). Life is an ongoing process, and I feel blessed– even in spite of it all.

Romeo: Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear…
Juliet: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
Quotation from William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.
Quotation from Friedrich Nietzsche

1) One would expect that 50% of all deaths are women. However, according to the CIA World Factbook, there are 107 men born for every 100 women. Since women live longer, the actual worldwide ratio of men to women is 1.01 to 1. Ergo, more men than women die. 2) A woman dies every minute from pregnancy complications and childbirth, mostly in poor countries. 3) Women never cry over nothing.

You did me
a favor
pushing me
out the window
I learned
how to
fly
Poem by Austin Straus

I want to be free. No responsibilities. Sitting in a cafe drinking kir royale while reading a book, observing life and people between the pages until they become real.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Quotation from Steve Jobs, Commencement address delivered to Stanford University

I found some turkey vultures sunning themselves by the road after a rain storm near the carcass of a deer. The way they were looking at me, I felt like a fresh cupcake topped with buttercream frosting.

When you look at a cupcake, you’ve got to smile.
Quotation from Anne Byrn

And sometimes things to bed I take,
As prudent sailors have to do;
Perhaps a slice of wedding-cake,
Perhaps a toy or two.
Quotation from Robert Louis Stevensen, My Bed is a Boat

The house and the tree in the header photo remind me of an old married couple. When one finally goes, the other will die shortly after.

They were watching Animal Planet, one of their favorite shows, when a nurse’s aide checked on them.
“I’m going to die today,” Lolie told the aide, who asked her if she needed to go back to the hospital.
No, she just felt “different,” Lolie told her.
When the aide came back a short time later, Lolie wasn’t breathing. Moments later, they discovered James had also passed away.
Quotation from Wendy Victora, NWF Daily News “Couple together for 59 years; Die moments apart”

This really happened to me. I won’t mention the name of the pharmacy, but it rhymes with Fright-Aid. The pharmacist said the best way to avoid getting the flu is “don’t touch your eyes, nose or mouth.” I’ll assume I can still use my mouth for eating as long as I wash my hands beforehand?

So the C.D.C. says 50 million [Americans] have been infected so far. Another 50 million have been vaccinated. And maybe 20 million have got innate immunity because of their age. You do the math — that’s 120 million who are immune out of 320 million, so two-thirds of the population is still not immune. It’s amazing how many people are acting as if this is all wrapped up. The numbers could still go up dramatically.
Quotation from Michael T. Osterholm, Director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota

Friends will arrive and friends will disappear. There are lifetime friendships, to be sure, but like great-grandmother’s diamond ring, nothing lasts forever.

I been meek, and hard like an oak.
I seen pretty people disappear like smoke.
Friends will arrive and friends will disappear,
If you want me, honey baby, I’ll be here.
Lyric from Vic Chesnutt, Buckets of Rain

[Vic Chesnutt, in a wheelchair since an auto accident at age 18, died on Christmas day from an overdose of muscle relaxants]