What can I say? I like screaming. It’s almost Christmas. I have always liked Christmas.
He would never let us go. We were his belly slaves.
Quotation from Harlan Ellison, I have No Mouth And I Must Scream
Perhaps when distant people on other planets pick up some wavelength of ours all they hear is a continuous scream.
Quotation from Iris Murdoch
The tragic oil “spill” in the Gulf of Mexico continues. BP CEO Tony Hayward’s congressional hearing this week was a disappointment. I wanted him to tell Congress that BP takes every precaution to prevent accidents like this. I wanted to hear that safety and protecting the environment is as important to him as profits. After all, Mr. Hayward was appointed in 2007 to “clean up” BP after the Texas City refinery fire of 2005 and the Prudhoe Bay pipeline spills that occured the following year. But instead of changing the penny-pinching corporate culture of BP, he cut expenses and eliminated 7,500 jobs.
Does America’s rightous indignation make you feel uncomfortable? It does me. Two months ago, we were angry at Goldman Sachs. BP is just the villain du jour. The underlying problem is we– as a society– tolerate expediency over having to make difficult choices. Too many of us think it’s ok to use torture as a tool in the war against terrorism. Why do Republicans and Democrats point fingers at each other rather than fix the health care system or Social Security? Where is the indignation over having 300,000 homeless children in California?
Doing the right thing proactively is always less costly and painful than damage control after something bad happens.
Far From Gulf, a Spill Scourge 5 Decades Old (The New York Times) “The Niger Delta, where the wealth underground is out of all proportion with the poverty on the surface, has endured the equivalent of the Exxon Valdez spill every year for 50 years.”
Be inspired by: The Excitement is Building (on Habitat for Humanity) “Everyone is pretty ordinary. No divas or superstars. But together we make a very big difference.”
I’m not a mother but I still like to nurture and make pancakes.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try and make us pancakes.
George Carlin
Did life turn out the way you thought it would be when you were a kid? What you expected is probably what you got (unless you were unlucky); and if you didn’t expect much, that is also probably what you got. But no matter how well you planned (or didn’t plan), be honest– your life didn’t turn out exactly like you thought it would happen. For better or worse, one thing is certain: There were surprises and exceptions along the way.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Quotation from Dennis Wholey
We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect.
Quotation from Henry David Thoreau
I hear people say we should raise the stakes in Afghanistan. Or we need to raise the stakes in the War on Drugs. But you rarely hear talk of raising the stakes in the war on poverty. Why is that? If we are going to “raise the stakes,” we should do so for jobs, women’s rights, the environment, health care, financial reform and schools.
Drug cartels exploit illegal immigrants by forcing them into economic bondage or prostitution. “Drugs are only sold once,” Rep. Loretta Sanchez, the chairwoman of the House Homeland Security border subcommittee, said in an interview. “But people can be sold over and over. And they use these people over and over until they are too broken to be used anymore.”
Quotation from Josh Meyer, Drug cartels raise the stakes on human smuggling
(The Los Angeles Times)
It’s like being in high school and knowing I’ll graduate in six months. The real world is out there and I’m wondering what I’m going to do. People tell me: “Some day you’ll look back at this and think how wonderful it was.” Ha!
Richard Vernon: What did you want to be when you were young?
Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Richard Vernon: Carl, don’t be a goof. I’m making a serious point here.
Quotation from the movie The Breakfast Club
Andrew Clark: You don’t have any goals.
John Bender: Oh but I do.
Andrew Clark: Yeah?
John Bender: I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.
Another quotation from the movie The Breakfast Club
Wouldn’t it be ironic if my imaginary friend is really my guardian angel?
It is somewhat of a revolving door. Children are nimble in coming up with these imaginary companions and sometimes we have a hard time keeping up with all of the ones a child has.
Quotation from Stephanie Carlson, Assistant Professor, University of Washington
One child said the [imaginary] friend put yogurt in her hair.
Another quotation from Stephanie Carlson
I used to love red licorice after my friend Marcella told me red licorice makes your boobs grow.
Everyone knows you can’t see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed.
Quotation from Janet Evanovich
I hope people realise that there is a brain underneath the hair and a heart underneath the boobs.
Quotation from Dolly Parton
A wish for world peace from me to you. Merry Christmas.
Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious.
Quotation from Francis C. Farley
Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.
Quotation from Janice Maeditere
How do children learn how to make elephant sounds? I can understand a moo-moo here and an oink-oink there, but an elephant? It must be something babies are born with, because every infant I’ve met knows how to **BiaAAH!**
A baby’s cry is appropriately disturbing: ear-piercing enough to get the caregiver’s attention… but not so disturbing as to make the listener want to avoid the sound altogether.
Quotation from Ask Dr. Sears, 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby’s Cries
One of the things I hated most as a child was being bullied to apologize. It wasn’t the apology itself that hurt, but the humiliation of being forced to apologize. Usually, the thing being apologized for was manufactured by my siblings; the alleged wrongdoing was done by me in self-defense. Almost always, when a “real” apology was needed, I would have apologized on my own.
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
Quotation from P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs
The best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words.
Quotation from John Milton
I wish I could be more like a duck. Duck feathers have a multi-layered structure which is very hydrophobic – in other words, water rolls off a duck’s back like yesterday’s worries.
Something extraordinary must have taken place; he looks to me as if he were in imminent danger of serious apoplexy. The lower part of his face is composed enough, but the upper part is drawn and distorted. Then there is that peculiar look about the eyes that indicates an effusion of serum in the brain.
Quotation from Honoré de Balzac, Old Goriot
Why do politicians make the worst decisions?
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford: Mistress is ‘soul mate,’ but I want to fall back in love with wife (New York Daily News)
I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details…
Quotation from Governor Mark Sanford, written in an email to his “soulmate” Maria Belen Chapur
He was writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids.
Quotation from Jenny Sanford, on her husband’s mysterious “disappearance”
Everyone all come free (or Ollie oxen free) calls all players in after a game of hide-and-seek. But when i got older, the challenge was finding myself.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.
Quotation from Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin
Everyone sings songs wrong. The best songs come from the heart -or from depraved minds.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule.
Childhood version of Battle Hymn of the Republic
On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.
Childhood version of On Top Of Old Smoky
Would you rather be born with a Silver Spoon or born with a Brass Doorknob? It doesn’t matter, because you can’t help how you were raised.
Russian police find Feral Girl in Siberia (Reuters)
Amala and Kamala, Girls Raised by Wolves (Wikipedia)
When you start talking to him, he chirps. He just chirps and when realizing that he is not understood, starts to wave hands in the way birds winnow wings.
Quotation from Social Worker Galina Volskaya, The Bird Boy of Volgograd (Pravda)
“Never ever never disagree with me,” he said, unaware of his double negative. I called it to his attention. “I aint got to take nothing from nobody, especially you,” he replied.
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.
Quotation from Geri Jewell
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
Quotation from Margaret Mead
It is considered good luck if the bride finds a spider in her wedding dress. Sew a small pearl into the bride’s gown and she will cry on her wedding day. If the hem is torn, the wedding will end in death.
Boob Punching (YouTube) Or you could give her another toaster.
Her wardrobe mistress hung herself; the palace gatekeeper cut his throat; the colonel leading the wedding procession collapsed from sunstroke; the stationmaster was crushed to death under the wheels of the honeymoon train; the king’s aide was killed when falling from his horse; and the best man shot himself. After all that, even the cake was in tiers.
Princess Cisterno’s 1867 wedding to the Duke D’Aosta, according to Britain.tv
Tomorrow isn’t promised, and in any case, it becomes Today soon enough. Yesterday is gone, grabbed from the Piñata Universe and eaten by everyone who came before Today.
How To Adopt (North American Council on Adoptable Children)
How To Adopt Pets (The Humane Society of the United States)
History of the Piñata (MexConnect.com)
Subconscious parenthood is an interesting subject. If the goal is to live a fulfilled, meaningful life, why get pregnant “accidentally on purpose?” If the desire is to have a child, make the experience a positive one. Absent a willing partner, explore artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization or adoption as valid “Plan A” options. Ambitious or predatory seduction should be relegated to Plan B. Or am I being a total priss?
Kate Spicer explains why getting pregnant after a one-night stand would be a happy mistake. (Daily Mail) This story is the inspiration for today’s comic.
Judge Orders FDA To Let 17-Year-Olds Use “Morning-After Pill” (NPR.com)
I miss childhood innocence. I blame myself for my corruption because I couldn’t wait to grow up. I wanted to be 13, then 16, then 18, then 21 years old. I told people I was two years older than I really was. Once you give up believing in Santa Claus, nothing is convincingly “pretend real” anymore.
Mommy, Is Santa Real? (Quazen.com)
Talk to Santa at the Milk & Cookies Bar (MightySanta.com)
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
What a laugh it would have been
If daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
Lyric from Jessica Simpson, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Remember the children’s game Simon Says? “Simon says touch your nose”, and you have to touch your nose. Then “Stand on one foot” but because somebody doesn’t first say “Simon Says” -you’re out.
I hated that game. It’s a favorite game of kids who grow up to be bureaucrats. No matter how hard I tried to please, I never got to be Simon.
I was a woman in a man’s world. I was a Democrat in a Republican administration. I was an intellectual in a world of bureaucrats. I talked differently. This may have made me a bit like an ink blot. People projected around me.
Quotation from Jeane Kirkpatrick, former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations
I promise you, we as a people will get there… Yes we can.
Quotation from Barack Obama, America’s next President
Dear Government. I left my peace dividend on the coffee table
and now it’s missing. I was counting on that for my future.
P.S. Please send cash only. I no longer accept debit checks.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth
that allow their children to come back home.
Quotation from Bill Cosby
And my parents finally realise that I’m kidnapped and
they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Quotation from Woody Allen
See also Wireheads, a great comic by Jim “Jimbo” Hillin. I recently did this guest comic for him. Buy his book.
What makes a little girl ugly? It’s a trick question.
As Gandi said, Be the change you want to see.
All children are beautiful. All children are beautiful.
Chinese girl not ‘pretty enough’ for Olympic ceremony (Belfast Telegraph)
(Barbie) I’m an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl.
Sad I have it, I should bag it.
Acne everywhere, unwanted facial hair,
I’m a relation to Frankenstein’s creation.
(Ken) You’re so ugly. You disgust me.
Lyrics from Weird Al Yankovic, Ugly Girl (Barbie Girl Parody)
I’m not a pretty girl
that’s not what I do.
I’m no damsel in distess
and I don’t need to be rescued,
so put me down punk,
maybe you’d prefer a maiden fair,
isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?
Lyrics from Ani Difranco, Not A Pretty Girl
I did a guest comic today for WIREHEADS! It’s one of my favorite comics. Go look! Go look!